I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
