I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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