i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
