I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
