Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
