Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
