He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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