apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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