You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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