I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
