I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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