my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
