6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I looked at my own cervix.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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