I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
