Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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