Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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