wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
