I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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