i wish my penis had a tongue
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
