Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
