ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
