Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
