the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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