I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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