i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
