i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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