The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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