Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We got so high we made milksteak
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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