they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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