We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
