today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
