toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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