Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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