dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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