wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
