Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
