I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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