alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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