Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
