I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
