# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
