my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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