I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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