for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
