My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
