I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
