You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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