If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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