He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The air taste purple.
Randomize
