Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
