I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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