Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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