There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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