One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My feet surprised me
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